Gender. Again. *sigh*


I’m getting tired of reading about ever more bizarre gender issues.

This morning I read an article about, wait for it, a woman who considers herself non binary because of her blackness and fatness being considered both masculine and feminine as a child/teenager.

You can read the article here.

Despite the fact that the whole piece smacks of white hating, men hating and even slim, pretty women hating, I can respect that her own personal trauma has led to her making the decision that she feels non binary in gender terms. 

I would personally argue, in fact, that gender doesn’t really exist anyway. 

Her message is much more complex, though, she does NOT want you to use the pronouns they/them. She absolutely DOES NOT WANT you to assume that she is a cisgender woman upon meeting her, but she does want you to use the female pronouns of she/her because that’s the pronouns she identifies with. 

So, and you’ll need to keep up here, what she is saying is, when you meet her, don’t call her ‘her’, in way that assumes she is cisgender. In order to empower herself she must tell you that she is non binary (black and fat – presumably too, in case you missed them.) and you must NOT call her she/her in a way that assumes that she is cisgender, but call her she/her in a way that recognises her difficult plight as a non binary, black, fat woman. Don’t worry if you miss this though, she will empower herself and the non binary community, by telling you ALL OF THIS, before YOU go right ahead like the steamroller you are and go and ASSUME her gender. 

What in the freshly laid turd is she on about? 

This is a non point. 

It is also a brilliant example of the increasingly worrying trend of making a fuss for no good reason at all. This is telling people things they don’t want or need to know. Firstly there is no behaviour change required, no change in your use of language. She/her to, um, she/her but in a reassuredly non cisgender* way. 

*this word in itself makes me vomit a little in the back of my throat.

I have many transgender friends and I have always stood in a place of respect for their wishes where pronouns are concerned. I don’t really care if you are transgender, or black, or fat, or if you have horns growing out of your head, or three arms. I don’t care what sexuality you are. I don’t care what genitals are in your knickers/boxer shorts. I just don’t care. Unless someone wants a romantic/sexual relationship with you, it’s irrelevant. 

I DO care if a group of people or a person is abused or suffers hate crime in any way. I care if that person is black, white, non binary, heterosexual or the biggest, raging gay man there ever was. Abuse towards human beings, ALL HUMAN BEINGS is unacceptable. 

However, I am starting to feel like the transgender community are now LOOKING for excuses to be offended. 

In fact, I am sick of hearing about how offended everyone is. How white supremacy, capitalism, and ‘those bastard men’ are to blame for it all. About being misgendered, oh the crime of crimes. 

Why do I need to know about the content of your pants? Why do you feel the need to throw (not literally, thank god) the contents of your pants at anyone who will listen? 

We seem to be, lately, creating just more horrible, separating labels, including the bloody awful ‘cisgender’, a label thrust upon people like me, by people who want the world to know that they are ‘different’ to me, but in the same breath want me to include them. By men who assume to know what being a woman is like because they ‘identify as’, which really only means that they identify with what a man thinks being a woman feels like. By people who will get mortally offended if I call them by the wrong pronoun accidentally. By people who want us all to be hypervigilant of them and their delicate feelings but they choose to completely ignore the fact that it is not only them that suffers pain in this life. By people shouting about how dare anyone make assumptions about THEM and then in the same breath making ALL white people responsible for racism. The same people who make ALL men responsible for rape. ALL slim, white women slags and ‘basic’. People shouting “respect me!” Whilst showing, with abandon, a total disregard for certain ‘types’ of people because they, somehow, deserve it. 

How exactly do you empower a community in this way? People who have been in abusive relationships don’t begin conversations with new friends by informing them first and formost that they were a victim of abuse. Sexual abuse or domestic abuse. Mental, emotional or physical. They don’t stop everyone they meet and say “hey, before you assume that I am a white, cisgender, therefore privileged woman I need you to know I have suffered, you must call me *insert pronoun here*”.

It’s absurd.

In some ways stating that your blackness or gender or fatness is in some way responsible for the abuse you have suffered is victim blaming… of yourself. Rather than holding the abusers to account you are finding excuses. In every way bleating on about what others should or shouldn’t call you, when they are in no way trying to be abusive, leaves the wrong people being made to feel shitty instead of the abusive people who did the real damage.  

Black. Fat. Non binary. Whatever the label, all it means is … different to you. And boy do you want us all to know it. Not only that but YOU are judging people in precisely the same way that you are asking… no… demanding that no one judges you! 

I have spent most of my life championing the human race, even though the human race hasn’t always been kind to me. More labels means more separation. More separation, historically, isn’t a good thing. People being forced into boxes without their consent, historically, isn’t a good thing. 

You are marginalising people and thereby marginalising yourself. 

Life stories are for close friends, not for down the pub and every time you meet another person. It makes you a bore. A self obsessed bore. 

There are more important things than pronouns, especially in passing. Good friends will hear your story and respect your choices. Expecting the world to bow to your choices and lifestyle at every opportunity is conceited, narcissistic even. 

Approaching people in such an agressive, self-entitled manner will only make people think badly of you and gender will have nothing to do with it. 

You do not help your own cause, you, in fact, damage it more than someone who innocently mistakes your pronouns could ever damage it. 

The person you are berating for using the wrong pronoun might be distracted by worries that their child is sick. They might not see what you want them to see because they have family in a war torn corner of the world and they are concerned for their safety. They might not even consider your precious gender status because they must bury their mother tomorrow.  They may not be perusing about all of the overly complex reasons that you feel non binary because they are working out how to escape an abusive marriage.

Your gender or lack of gender is YOUR business. 

It is not necessary to wander about life thrusting it upon anyone you meet. Needing such constant validation from others is not empowering, it is weakness and, quite frankly, assumes that you are not 100% content with being who you are. 

You do not have an automatic right to be offended. 

Being offended means nothing anyway. It’s the cry of the shallow, the indignance of the ignorant. Being offended doesn’t change the world, it doesn’t change opinions or behaviours or governments. It just means that you’re offended, well whoop de doo to you. Move along with all the others.

She mentions being a ‘biased, loud and messy bitch who lives for drama’. Well, she is certainly going about creating the wrong kind of drama for herself and others in exactly the right way.

Fight for those who have been victims of hate crime. Fight for those who are in pain. Do this. Do this until it stops, with passion and veracity. But, please, stop looking for controversy everywhere you go and causing people to feel like they must somehow revere you as more special than others. 

Fighting for acceptance by vilifying and marginalising others will only lead to more marginalisation of yourself and the others that you claim to be empowering within your own community.

The sooner this is realised the sooner, perhaps, we can all move on to a more accepting and tolerant world for us all. 

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